And no one will ever know. A battle camouflaged by hollowed bravado and an eagerness to keep busy–to stay productive.I drive myself so heavily in my work and career because it is the only place that I currently know where my efforts are accounted and recognized. I surround myself around friends that I can make laugh to fill the void–to ignore the fact that when I go home…I am completely and utterly alone.
I taught myself to be strong willed, because strong girls will automatically be assumed to be confident. It’s a lie I put on everyday. Somedays, I want to be consoled, to be told sweet nothings, to be told that I matter. It’s stupid, it’s habitual–it’s been following me lately like an ugly shadow.
The rest of me…feels empty
I grew up and surrounded myself with women who were strong, resilient, confident and captivating–my best friends, my sister and my mother all carried themselves with these notable traits and I was one to follow their lead. The choices I’ve made in my relationships–to stay on the bench, to be the supporter than the supported, to never strive too far in the limelight for fear of being humiliated. I was the one that never chased, and I had too much pride to chase after the things or people I wanted. I always settled for the fact that I would never be that girl to anyone. And though these are thoughts that were originally curated in the mind of some 14 year old girl, the feelings remain the same at 26 in a 6 year relationship.
I have a jar that I have to keep mentally, of all the real compliments that ever hit home to me. They are far and few. They’re locked away in my mental cabinet and it might sound petty, but I can recall the exact moments that I heard them. I keep them there whenever I forget to believe in them. The jar’s been a little hard to open as of late, but I know the reasons are there.
Please..I’m not looking for a pity party—I just need to write it out. Just letting myself feel.
These are the days where it gets a little heavier, the monster roars a little louder and I feel like a coward in the corner.