Month: May 2010

Reaching the end of the road.

When it comes to what I really want to delve into, is the topic on the various friendships that have led me to where I am today.

I will honestly admit I’m grateful for the presence of all the faces that have entered my life. No matter how bad our relationships are now, I still do believe that they all were/are still beautiful people. I thank them for many great memories that I keep logged in my brain, the mental photographs that I find myself smiling upon. Simple things, certain places remind me of the time spent with each other, all our insiders, all the laughter. You would have never thought such friendships that were so real-would become so unfamiliar. Its a shame. But it’s life. I’m not gonna sit here and cry about it anymore. I’m not gonna sit here, and be angry that all those times, have been taken for granted.

But I will sit here and be grateful. I will sit here and try to understand that when it comes to growing up..it sometimes means growing out of each other. For those who can grow up with each other. Well, I’ll call those golden treasures.

I’m still hurting, and who knows how long I’ll continue to hurt, but I’m slowly mending with or without closure. Picking up my pieces and focusing on myself–on my school work, on my career, on my relationships that matter now. I’m a tough girl to come by, and lately I haven’t been making it any easier for the people who truly love me today. This time I’ll let the past stand where it should. I won’t let follow me like a ball and chain. I don’t want to lose myself anymore, and I don’t want to lose the people who really matter in my life.

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Here I go again.

On yet another blogging site. Yes. I’ve almost tried them all. From blogspot, xanga, tumblr, multiply..none of them of which satisfied my need to speak the true thoughts I had fluidly.

I had problems with the other sites maybe excluding blogspot, maybe because the layout was boring, but the other ones had me so socially connected. I understand the means of social media, but it took a toll on my life in which I’ve been read across, and discarded in my personal life. I’d like to uncensor myself. To not have to filter my words because I know someone I know is judging my actions. This wordpress, I’m not sharing, I’m not publicizing. I don’t want to repeat the words of others through reblogs, I don’t want readers who are actually in my life look at me differently because of something I have to say.

Call it shady, but I also started to tailor my blogs to fit what others would think would deem worthy on these sites. I would be self-conscious about posting things believing that people would think I’m lovesick, whiney, angsty, angry, depressed, over zealous, in-over-her-head ambitious, stubborn. In all honesty, that’s not what I came there to do. I shouldn’t have to filter my emotions in fear that someone my stick a label on my forehead.  I believe that I lost my knack with words, because I stopped writing for myself.

That’s why I’m here. To uncensor myself. To let it go.

To be able go on my angsty rambles and not have to apologize for my emotions, to reflect on my life lessons, and spill to the common guilts of being human.

Liberation. It feels good..and yes this is my hello to you wordpress world.