We will never be accepted for who we are until we allow ourselves to be ourselves without apology
the most on the days when the sun shine the brightest. I miss you the most when I find myself laughing. I miss you the most when I’m at my best..
I miss sharing beautiful days with you–walking hand in hand, exploring the town or turning our errands into adventures. I miss our inside jokes, the pet names, your smile–the fact that I was the reason for that smile. I miss waking up on the weekends with my guard down in your tshirt in the nook of your arm–safe. I miss you the most when I succeed at my goals, because there’s no one else I want to tell more, because you’re the only person that mattered. I miss how you used to caress my cheek in the most endearing manner. I miss the kisses that you would plant on my forehead to smooth away my frowns. I miss your reassurance, I miss you telling me to smile to be confident. I was invincible with you on my team.
I miss you on the days that are good–it doesn’t feel the same–not one bit. Most of my days have been good–lets be honest, I’m at the most ideal stage of my life, I’m building a budding career, I’ve gained time to balance my work & life–I’m good– I’m just not happy. I haven’t been happy since the day we parted.
To be honest everything in between then and now has been strategically placed distractions. Burying myself in work & social events, over-committing myself to other people’s engagements to ignore the fact that I don’t really have any of my own. Trying to compensate for the fact that a huge piece of me is missing.
You knew everything about me. My quirks, my flaws, my insecurities. The thought of opening that can of worms to anyone else scares me. Nothing was ever too heavy for you until I asked you to move forward.
I’m empty. I’ve been running on empty for a while.
I don’t talk about the loneliness–I’ve been alone this whole time. The quiet is deafening and sometimes I feel like I haven’t heard my own voice for days. I can’t formulate my thoughts anymore.
I do have friends–beautiful souls. They are the spirits that lift me during the day. I can’t expect them to stay through the night. I can’t ask them to carry me on their shoulders when they all have their own burdens of their own.
I need someone in my corner. I need you.
Of what I need to do…and with me being a full time remote worker, this should be manageable–and if anything –focusing on these goals will keep me sane.
- Become a financially responsible adult
- Pay off my car–come next month
- Begin investing–again–after my whole quit my job on the whim last year that side of planning has been put on halt
- Probably should pay off my credit cards before that though..lol
- Fall in love with fitness & my body again
- Workout at least 4-5 days a week
- Yoga weekly
- Boxing weekly
- Try a new workout once a month
- Fuel my body with cleaner food
- Find myself through words again
- write daily–here or in my journal–hell even my planner
- read daily–20 pages minimum
- Begin making bigger moves with my career
- I don’t need to tell myself to be more focused on my work–it’s all I know as of late, but I know I need to be asking growth worthy questions
- Begin taking convos with the recruiters that are flooding my inbox
- Start rethinking my position
- Find more compassion & tolerance for my family
- Be patient with my parents
- Be more present & involved with their retirement planning
- Hold my gripes when helping my family
- Clear my headspace
- Redecorate my room–one corner/space at a time
You lost her and it wasn’t because she was hard to hold, or love, or touch but because she was made of your absence, of all the things you ignored and all the beautiful poetry you read but failed to understand.
Nothing like my first real heart break from who I thought would be the love of my life and the betrayal by my best friend to have me scavenging for solid ground this year.
I’m not sure if it’s the fever that has gotten to my head but this year has been a haze. If I’m being honest with myself after my break up I found solace in everyone else’s joy. Throwing myself in the the thralls of my sister’s new home and my best friend’s upcoming wedding to distract myself from the nothingness that was going on with my own life. Great distractions–with plenty of traveling & festivities. I thought I could live vicariously through others without actually having to face my demons.
The wedding in short–decimated before our eyes. I became the shoulder to lean and cry on provided unconditional comfort and sound advice. Wiped tears & planned girls nights. Then suddenly, (with the Mercury Retrograde ensued of course) the lies unravelled and the drama was nothing short of a remake of an episode of the “The Hills.” There were so many times I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t just in a horrid nightmare. It was literally comical.
As the value of our friendship was bested I finally found myself feeling emotion–stronger than it was during my heartbreak–it was a rage fueled by betrayal. It was as if every ounce of emotion I had denied myself this entire year finally unleashed–leaving me withered and literally physically ill.
It may just be part of my personality but once I let go of something or someone I usually let it go for good and thats usually because I gave them my all and I’ve exhausted myself silly by investing so much of myself.
No one warns you about your late 20’s–no one tells you that it’s almost worse than going through puberty. You no longer are looking for a crowd to fit in–you are now just trying to find the people and places that fit you. You begin to realize what you can and cannot tolerate. That whole debacle pushed me to another level–one that hasn’t been seen for years. I am now realizing that I no longer give a fuck and realizing that I don’t have that many fucks to give.
I just want to be surrounded by the people who give a fuck about me, spending time bettering myself and doing the things I love ( I’m still trying to figure those things out).
Get ready for the one thing I’m good at in the next post..lists. Bucket lists of the things I want to do/enjoy before they’re socially unacceptable, lists of what I should learn.
Maybe, just maybe if I focus on crossing these items off my lists I’ll get a better understanding of who I am and what and who I need and maybe I’ll even find these people and things on the way.
Patience, compromises, and values.
to escape to different cities, to lose myself in my work, to fatigue my body until I stop remembering, these thoughts still roll in like an unwanted fog.
I’m tired of running from this feeling, I’m tired of trying to chase away the ache and the loneliness–this inadequacy that has settled on my shoulders.
These past few weeks have been the best moments of my life with the best company, but everytime I have to return to reality and settle in every night I face the same feelings that I did the last time I kissed your face.
Being alone with my thoughts have become more dangerous than I anticipated. I find myself stopping and asking myself if I’m losing my mind–I guess I’m still in a process. I’m still trying to figure out how to come to terms with being alone, with being enough for myself.