the most on the days when the sun shine the brightest. I miss you the most when I find myself laughing. I miss you the most when I’m at my best..
I miss sharing beautiful days with you–walking hand in hand, exploring the town or turning our errands into adventures. I miss our inside jokes, the pet names, your smile–the fact that I was the reason for that smile. I miss waking up on the weekends with my guard down in your tshirt in the nook of your arm–safe. I miss you the most when I succeed at my goals, because there’s no one else I want to tell more, because you’re the only person that mattered. I miss how you used to caress my cheek in the most endearing manner. I miss the kisses that you would plant on my forehead to smooth away my frowns. I miss your reassurance, I miss you telling me to smile to be confident. I was invincible with you on my team.
I miss you on the days that are good–it doesn’t feel the same–not one bit. Most of my days have been good–lets be honest, I’m at the most ideal stage of my life, I’m building a budding career, I’ve gained time to balance my work & life–I’m good– I’m just not happy. I haven’t been happy since the day we parted.
To be honest everything in between then and now has been strategically placed distractions. Burying myself in work & social events, over-committing myself to other people’s engagements to ignore the fact that I don’t really have any of my own. Trying to compensate for the fact that a huge piece of me is missing.
You knew everything about me. My quirks, my flaws, my insecurities. The thought of opening that can of worms to anyone else scares me. Nothing was ever too heavy for you until I asked you to move forward.
I’m empty. I’ve been running on empty for a while.
I don’t talk about the loneliness–I’ve been alone this whole time. The quiet is deafening and sometimes I feel like I haven’t heard my own voice for days. I can’t formulate my thoughts anymore.
I do have friends–beautiful souls. They are the spirits that lift me during the day. I can’t expect them to stay through the night. I can’t ask them to carry me on their shoulders when they all have their own burdens of their own.
I need someone in my corner. I need you.