You’re not you.

There are moments where I forget that I’m human. With this whirlwind of events that happened, I’ve forgotten that I have feelings, that I have needs, that I am entitled to my own life. I feel robotic. Lackluster. Boring even. Bitterness lining my every word.

I’ve been like this for so long. I’ve denied myself for so long that I don’t even know where to start anymore.

I miss the girl who was carefree. The one who had a coy smile and a challenging glint in her eyes. The girl who always found time for sand between her toes and music for her heart. The girl that was a joy to be around–positive and energetic.

I keep trying to pretend that I’m still her–but I’m not anymore.

I miss her–terribly.

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03.04.18

I’m alway leery when things are too quiet. Monday was the beginning of the long storm..

Monday started like any other morning. I woke up, I brushed my teeth and I started hammering out emails and getting started on my weekly to-do list. It’s about 12pm when both my parents awake, mom’s complaining of some acid reflux, shortness of breath & fatigue for the past week since she was planning on flying out to meet my brother in Vietnam this past Saturday so we figured we should get her checked out before she flew out. We stopped and had pho down the street, while we ate our lunch I texted a few of my friends who worked in hospitals or were nurses with a run down of her symptoms all who told me that I should just got to urgent care. As we drove off from lunch something steered me towards the ER–next thing I know mom was hooked up to the EKG machine and suddenly I was speaking to a cardiologist who insisted she do an angiogram that very minute. No one told me what was happening, but everyone around me began working in a whirlwind to get her ready for the procedure and I knew something was wrong as the nurse handed me her consent paperwork and her hands were shaking. They told me that they would get her checked out and asked that I wait for the procedure which would take about 2 hours. Feeling nervous I dialed my sister, she was working from home so I decided to pick her up.

By the time I returned, I was informed that she had been placed in the ICU, frantically me and my sister ran through the hospital to find her laying still in the hospital bed. We had learned that my mother had checked in with a heart attack, the angiogram showed multiple blockages in her vessels and a stent was placed in the vessel that was the root of her heart attack. My heart was in my chest and I crossed my arms to stop my hands from shaking. This was the most vulnerable I have ever seen my mother. Throughout my entire life she was the epitome of strength, ferocity and confidence. To see her in the bed so small, so scared, with tears in her eyes had me shaking–in the 27 years that I’ve been alive I’ve never seen her shed one tear and she had always taught me to always save my tears. So that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do in her presence or the presence of others.

My mother was released on Thursday and I’ve been caring for her here at home. Since then, we’ve learned that there are 3 other blockages still to be addressed. Open heart bypass surgery seemed to be the unanimous recommendation by all 3 doctors. It makes the best sense as her only other option would be to do multiple stents in the vessels which sounded like temporary fixes. Once the cardiac nurses sat down with us to explain what to expect during and after the surgery that when things got real with me. The images of my mother’s chest cracked open, her  being incubated, and her literal heart being out on the table had my head spinning. I stared calmly at the nurse while I suppressed the urge to walk out of the room and fall to the ground in fetal position in a panic attack.

Honestly, I am more than willing to be my mother’s care taker and I’m so grateful to have a job where I work from home and a boss who completely understands that family will always come first. I’ve been constantly going through motions of handling doctor appointments, insurance calls, pharmacy runs, grocery runs, cooking and cleaning and balancing my workflow. If I haven’t been adulting enough–here’s my true test. The week wore heavy on me, by Friday I found myself falling asleep in the late afternoon and I awoke to my “aunt” Vanessa knocking on the door with bags of groceries. I have never in my life been so grateful to hear a kitchen full of Vietnamese women chatting and cooking up a storm. I couldn’t thank God and the universe enough to have her over to lift my mom’s spirits and to help around the house even if it was just for a brief few days. Her love was felt & it uplifted this entire household.

I’ve been steady, I’ve been strong, and I’ve been organized & efficient because I have to be. But there are moments where the bitterness builds and the tension is heavy.

Pretending to be calm & collected is tiresome. My world has been flipped upside down before but this time it’s cutting me a lot deeper. I cry during my drives alone, I call my best friend– the only person that knows how badly I suppress emotions– and I rant–and by the time I get home I find myself wiping everything away the moment I open the door. I have to beat the bitter edges down in my ribs, the ugly side of me who has never felt so completely & utterly alone, the side of me who just wants to be fucking held, the side of me who resents my sister for being able to leave and go home to her normal life with a supportive husband, the side of me that gets angry at my father for constantly going back to work or leaving the house for hours without a word, the side of me who hates my brother who remains in Vietnam offering no notion of coming home or even a text to check in with how I’m doing because in the end I know I’m a bigger person and I know I can get through it–that I don’t have a choice but to get through it.

Our lives here will never be the same again and all I ask is for strength, patience and guidance to help me through this for my family.

I miss you

the most on the days when the sun shine the brightest. I miss you the most when I find myself laughing. I miss you the most when I’m at my best..

I miss sharing beautiful days with you–walking hand in hand, exploring the town or turning our errands into adventures. I miss our inside jokes, the pet names, your smile–the fact that I was the reason for that smile. I miss waking up on the weekends with my guard down in your tshirt in the nook of your arm–safe. I miss you the most when I succeed at my goals, because there’s no one else I want to tell more, because you’re the only person that mattered. I miss how you used to caress my cheek in the most endearing manner. I miss the kisses that you would plant on my forehead to smooth away my frowns. I miss your reassurance, I miss you telling me to smile to be confident. I was invincible with you on my team.

I miss you on the days that are good–it doesn’t feel the same–not one bit. Most of my days have been good–lets be honest, I’m at the most ideal stage of my life, I’m building a budding career, I’ve gained time to balance my work & life–I’m good– I’m just not happy. I haven’t been happy since the day we parted.

To be honest everything in between then and now has been strategically placed distractions. Burying myself in work & social events, over-committing myself to other people’s engagements to ignore the fact that I don’t really have any of my own. Trying to compensate for the fact that a huge piece of me is missing.

You knew everything about me. My quirks, my flaws, my insecurities. The thought of opening that can of worms to anyone else scares me. Nothing was ever too heavy for you until I asked you to move forward.

I’m empty. I’ve been running on empty for a while.

I don’t talk about the loneliness–I’ve been alone this whole time. The quiet is deafening and sometimes I feel like I haven’t heard my own voice for days. I can’t formulate my thoughts anymore.

I do have friends–beautiful souls. They are the spirits that lift me during the day.  I can’t expect them to stay through the night. I can’t ask them to carry me on their shoulders when they all have their own burdens of their own.

I need someone in my corner. I need you.

Lists

Of what I need to do…and with me being a full time remote worker, this should be manageable–and if anything –focusing on these goals will keep me sane.

  • Become a financially responsible adult
    • Pay off my car–come next month
    • Begin investing–again–after my whole quit my job on the whim last year that side of planning has been put on halt
    • Probably should pay off my credit cards before that though..lol
  • Fall in love with fitness & my body again
    • Workout at least 4-5 days a week
    • Yoga weekly
    • Boxing weekly
    • Try a new workout once a month
    • Fuel my body with cleaner food
  • Find myself through words again
    • write daily–here or in my journal–hell even my planner
    • read daily–20 pages minimum
  • Begin making bigger moves with my career
    • I don’t need to tell myself to be more focused on my work–it’s all I know as of late, but I know I need to be asking growth worthy questions
    • Begin taking convos with the recruiters that are flooding my inbox
    • Start rethinking my position
  • Find more compassion & tolerance for my family
    • Be patient with my parents
    • Be more present & involved with their retirement planning
    • Hold my gripes when helping my family
  • Clear my headspace
    • Redecorate my room–one corner/space at a time

Finding ground.

Nothing like my first real heart break from who I thought would be the love of my life and the betrayal by my best friend to have me scavenging for solid ground this year.

I’m not sure if it’s the fever that has gotten to my head but this year has been a haze. If I’m being honest with myself after my break up I found solace in everyone else’s joy. Throwing myself in the the thralls of my sister’s new home and my best friend’s upcoming wedding to distract myself from the nothingness that was going on with my own life. Great distractions–with plenty of traveling & festivities. I thought I could live vicariously through others without actually having to face my demons.

The wedding in short–decimated before our eyes. I became the shoulder to lean and cry on provided unconditional comfort and sound advice. Wiped tears & planned girls nights. Then suddenly, (with the Mercury Retrograde ensued of course) the lies unravelled and the drama was nothing short of a remake of an episode of the “The Hills.” There were so many times I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t just in a horrid nightmare. It was literally comical.

As the value of our friendship was bested I finally found myself feeling emotion–stronger than it was during my heartbreak–it was a rage fueled by betrayal. It was as if every ounce of emotion I had denied myself this entire year finally unleashed–leaving me withered and literally physically ill.

It may just be part of my personality but once I let go of something or someone I usually let it go for good and thats usually because I gave them my all and I’ve exhausted myself silly by investing so much of myself.

No one warns you about your late 20’s–no one tells you that it’s almost worse than going through puberty. You no longer are looking for a crowd to fit in–you are now just trying to find the people and places that fit you. You begin to realize what you can and cannot tolerate. That whole debacle pushed me to another level–one that hasn’t been seen for years. I am now realizing that I no longer give a fuck and realizing that I don’t have that many fucks to give.

I just want to be surrounded by the people who give a fuck about me, spending time bettering myself and doing the things I love ( I’m still trying to figure those things out).

Get ready for the one thing I’m good at in the next post..lists. Bucket lists of the things I want to do/enjoy before they’re socially unacceptable, lists of what I should learn.

Maybe, just maybe if I focus on crossing these items off my lists I’ll get a better understanding of who I am and what and who I need and maybe I’ll even find these people and things on the way.