It wasn’t until I had a moment to sit down with my bestfriend in the midst of running errands did everything hit me.– I rambled about my bf’s cancer, how he was feeling and about the treatments and the outcomes, he cut me off mid sentence, clasped his hands and looked me straight in the eyes and asked me..”No, I’m talking about you..”
My wind was knocked out of me…Things have been happening so quickly I never really had time to comprehend how I was feeling…I couldn’t help having the tears fill my eyes. I croaked out “stuck and out of control.” I’m scared and overwhelmed and this was the first time I was able to admit this out loud and in person to another person who wasn’t just directly affected by his diagnosis..without my boyfriends permission, this gave me the strength to be honest to those who care about me.
There are so many factors that are testing my humanity and faith.
From his cancer and Daniel’s cancer..from the world falling apart at the seams. Looking back..How stupid it was to want to be that selfish. None of that matters when it comes to the matter of life and death. You just want the pain to suffice. There are decisions that you thought you would have time to make. What I would do to hold his hand and run through the city again to argue about getting too drunk at the last party. Everything feels petty. My work, my social life, I want to withdraw, but I know its the last thing he would want me to do. So I’m strong. I’m always strong.
I let him see no moment of weakness. I put on the facade with his family and carried about this weekend like there was not a worry in the world. Like it was a common cold..like our world hasn’t just been flipped upside down. I kept busy, I stayed by his side, was his crutch through out the nights.
It’s exhausting pretending to be unaffected. Utterly takes the breath away from by the end of the day.
The solitude of my room, the empty road, the quiet conversations with a good friend–this is where I find my release, this is where you find me hysterically crying.
It’s too real, it’s too personal
There’s still so much of me that is angry. Angry at the world, angry at the fates.
But he can never know. He just needs to see strength & hope.