personal

Finding ground.

Nothing like my first real heart break from who I thought would be the love of my life and the betrayal by my best friend to have me scavenging for solid ground this year.

I’m not sure if it’s the fever that has gotten to my head but this year has been a haze. If I’m being honest with myself after my break up I found solace in everyone else’s joy. Throwing myself in the the thralls of my sister’s new home and my best friend’s upcoming wedding to distract myself from the nothingness that was going on with my own life. Great distractions–with plenty of traveling & festivities. I thought I could live vicariously through others without actually having to face my demons.

The wedding in short–decimated before our eyes. I became the shoulder to lean and cry on provided unconditional comfort and sound advice. Wiped tears & planned girls nights. Then suddenly, (with the Mercury Retrograde ensued of course) the lies unravelled and the drama was nothing short of a remake of an episode of the “The Hills.” There were so many times I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t just in a horrid nightmare. It was literally comical.

As the value of our friendship was bested I finally found myself feeling emotion–stronger than it was during my heartbreak–it was a rage fueled by betrayal. It was as if every ounce of emotion I had denied myself this entire year finally unleashed–leaving me withered and literally physically ill.

It may just be part of my personality but once I let go of something or someone I usually let it go for good and thats usually because I gave them my all and I’ve exhausted myself silly by investing so much of myself.

No one warns you about your late 20’s–no one tells you that it’s almost worse than going through puberty. You no longer are looking for a crowd to fit in–you are now just trying to find the people and places that fit you. You begin to realize what you can and cannot tolerate. That whole debacle pushed me to another level–one that hasn’t been seen for years. I am now realizing that I no longer give a fuck and realizing that I don’t have that many fucks to give.

I just want to be surrounded by the people who give a fuck about me, spending time bettering myself and doing the things I love ( I’m still trying to figure those things out).

Get ready for the one thing I’m good at in the next post..lists. Bucket lists of the things I want to do/enjoy before they’re socially unacceptable, lists of what I should learn.

Maybe, just maybe if I focus on crossing these items off my lists I’ll get a better understanding of who I am and what and who I need and maybe I’ll even find these people and things on the way.

 

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Despite my best efforts

to escape to different cities, to lose myself in my work, to fatigue my body until I stop remembering, these thoughts still roll in like an unwanted fog.

I’m tired of running from this feeling, I’m tired of trying to chase away the ache and the loneliness–this inadequacy that has settled on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been the best moments of my life with the best company, but everytime I have to return to reality and settle in every night I face the same feelings that I did the last time I kissed your face.

Being alone with my thoughts have become more dangerous than I anticipated. I find myself stopping and asking myself if I’m losing my mind–I guess I’m still in a process. I’m still trying to figure out how to come to terms with being alone, with being enough for myself.

Tick Tock

Today was one of the days where old friends actually followed through with plans instead of the usual fly by conversation of “we should catch up” which is usually followed by a reluctant “yes definitely” –that leads utterly to no where.

I forget how good it feels to lose yourself in conversation, to laugh about memories, to talk about nothing and everything at the same time. Stoking fires that were never really put out. It’s nice to know that after years of not seeing each other that we still get each other, that we still understand how we each tick. Hearing stories of how far we come what we’ve all journeyed through its crazy to think that the three kids who spent their nights challenging their curfews driving up and down the coast looking for adventure at secret look out points and binging on junk food at hole in the walls are now adults (though..I’ll never ever really feel like a grown up lol). One on their way down the aisle. The other a scientist and then there’s me teetering between starting my own business or climbing the corporate ladder.

Reminiscing with old friends is up lifting. It’s a gentle reminder that we are progressing whether we like it or not.

As we get older, I’m starting to realize how hard it is to hold on to relationships and to make time for people we’re all so caught up in this whirlwind that we call life–pursuing careers, goals, passions, soul searching, trying to make names for ourselves.

We so often forget about the little things, it’s in the moments when we step aside from the hustle that actually brings quality and meaning to our lives. I don’t do this enough and I know I need to make more time for it. We all do.

Time slips through our fingers far too quickly for us to catch.

“The more sand that has escaped the hourglass, the clearer we should see through it”

Jean Paul

 

 

Cyclical

I turn 27 in about an hour..I’m sitting here baffled at where my life has taken me…I feel like I’ve been everywhere and no where at the same time. Does that even make sense? Don’t get me wrong I have my fair share of experiences and I’m living a blessed life, but I just can’t help but feel like the same girl from 8 years ago winding about life with the same fears, circling through the motions without a clear direction.

Through my career changes, my relationships and all my travels–I always end up end up here in the same place, surrounded by the same faces, repeating the same situations. As if I’m stuck in this perpetual orbit–entering new phases but always returning to the exact same stagnant space. I’m watching those around me move forward, propelling towards dreams & cultivating new lives but I can’t help but feel like I get thrown back in the same cycle. I know everyone’s journey is unique, it takes time to cultivate greatness and I know my life will be nothing short of it– that I feel in my bones.

I guess I can attest to my generation’s impatience..I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I’m ready for something different–something that takes me away from ‘here’.

Forward momentum–That’s what I’m searching for…in what, where, or whom? These are the things I still need to figure out.

Hopefully this year will bring forth new clarity. That’s all I’m wishing for this year..a sense of comprehensible purpose.

There are no instructions

to how we’re supposed to move on. Each day gets a little easier, the weight of the 7 years begin to chip slowly off my shoulders. I’m coming to terms that we’ll never really be strangers. I can’t pretend like I don’t care about how your cousins grow up or whether you started the next chapter to your business or if you still have weekly dinners with your estranged parents. I can’t pretend that you don’t know my quirks and qualms–the stories about mother, my father’s favorite cognac or how cool the room needs to be for me to fall asleep. I’m at awe fathoming how quickly time has gone by this year, I can’t help compare today to how it was last year–I have to stop looking at our past with rose colored glasses. I’m trying to collect pieces of myself that I’ve neglected. Recreating new memories to look back upon..

No one tells you how easily you begin to romanticize your past memories. How easily it is to fall in the trap of stating ” it wasn’t that bad…” I just have to remind myself constantly why we needed to let go.

Sometimes letting things go is an act of greater power than defending or hanging on.

-Eckhart Tolle

Thank you

I can’t sleep these days because all I can do is think about you and how much I want to say thank you. I couldn’t gather enough courage that night to tell you this because the tears were falling too hard, but you deserve to know how much you mean to me.

Thank you for always being there, for truly being my first true love, my best friend, for loving my family, for being loyal, for always teaching me to see the bright side towards things, for growing up with me, for teaching me patience–for showing me the truest love. For being the son my dad never had. You gave my life and everyone around me color. We’ve been through so much these past 7 years and at the end of the day I know you’re someone who I could count on to be honest for me. Thank you for telling me the truth–though it hurt like hell to hear but that’s all I could ever ask for. Honesty comes with its prices.

Hey–maybe this will bring us both a new beginning we’re really needing. I hope this most of all brings you relief. I’ll always love you with all my heart and I’m always going to be there for you. You’re an incredible person and I know you’re going to do so many great things. You’ve always been a go getter and I’m sure you will achieve all your aspirations and any endeavors in your life that you choose to pursue. We’re never going to have our youth back and these are the years we can be the most selfish–so go full throttle and pursue your passions and don’t look back.

I couldn’t force you to understand what I needed when your heart was unwilling to learn. I wish all of this could be enough but I’m growing in my own ways. I need to learn to grow by myself without clinging to the notion that I will always have someone like you to lean on. I have a lot of learning to do and I know that the only person that will make me happy is myself. I will always be your biggest supporter and by saying this I understand that you need to focus, so I’m doing my best to let go. I’m proud of us to be able to be mature enough to let this go in a whisper of love and care–rather than a fire of anger and blame. Time will help us both figure out if this what we want and what we need to do to really grow.

I did love the little things–I loved our endless memories and most importantly I love you. The hardest part of all is saying good bye to my best friend. Good luck with everything and I really hope that one day when the hurt doesn’t cut as as deep we can cross paths again. I want you to be happy, I’m grateful that I was able to have someone like you in my life–once upon a time.

Forever your first love,

I’ll muster the courage to send this one day.